The Marks Chronicles: The Bob Job
"Old Department Chairs don't die ... they just
loose their faculties"
ONE UPMANSHIP
Mohamed El Sharkawi is a colleague and friend of mine
who embarrasses easily. Therefore, I enjoy embarrassing him. He is stealthfully
learning the art of revenge.
Our competition started when Mohamed was driving his
car to a restaurant for lunch with me in the passenger's side. I would
wave enthusiastically and yell hello to total strangers who would, mostly
out of instinct, reciprocate. This deeply embarrassed Mohamed.
Chapter 1: Driving home one day in rush hour, I heard
a car horn behind me. Turning around, I noticed it was Mohamed. We stopped
at a red light and waved to each other. When the light turned green, I
remained motionless and began waving cars around me. Mohamed was too close
to my rear bumper to move. He covered his face and slumped into the seat.
When the light turned yellow, I went through the intersection leaving Mohamed
at the red light.
Chapter 2: Mohamed's revenge came at our yearly faculty
retreat. During the morning, we had listened to the babbling of fools.
I decided to leave after lunch and skip the afternoon portion of the meeting.
After lunch, I noticed that I had left my briefcase in the meeting room.
Directly between me and my briefcase was the table at which the Dean and
our Department Chairman were sitting. I didn't particularly want either
of them to know that I was leaving early. I therefore asked Mohamed if
he would retrieve the case for me.
Mohamed walked past the Dean's table and into the meeting
room. He emerged shortly with my brief case and stood in the meeting room
door. He raised the briefcase above his head.
"IS THIS YOURS BOB?" he said loudly for all
to hear.
" yes " I responded.
"ARE YOU GOING HOME EARLY?"
It was my turn to cover with my eyes and sink into
my seat.
"I'LL WALK YOU OUTSIDE."
He went home early too. But no one knew.
Chapter 3: At the beginning of each quarter, long lines
of students form inside the Student Union Building outside of the room
where lecture notes are sold. Mohamed and I walked past this line on our
way to lunch. I started saying hello to the people in the line and smiling.
This was much to the embarrassment of Mohamed. After lunch, we retraced
our steps back to the department. The line was still there. I began my
friendly ritual again. So as not to be associated with me, Mohamed sped
his pace. I did likewise. He began to trot. So did I. Finally, we were
both running. I was about five paces behind. About twenty feet from the
outside door, I yelled:
"HEY YOU! COME BACK HERE WITH MY WALLET!"
Yes ... everyone looked as first Mohamed and then I
ran out the door. I was and remain button-popping proud of the spontaneity
and originality of the incident.
Chapter 4: Mohamed says he is spending long hours putting
this one together. I'll let you know.